I’ve been a little bored with some of these regular posts. I try and only pick really good drinks, but none of them are really innovative. I dunno… I’m just feeling like it’s time to take this blog to the next level, whatever in the fuck that may mean. Just some thoughts, from me to you dear reader. And I do mean reader. Singular. Anyhangles, here’s a weird one you’re not likely to see on too many other blogs. It’s a start, I guess.
1.5 oz. Angostura Bitters
.75 oz. Lemon Juice
.5 oz. Simple Syrup
Combine lemon juice and egg white in a shaker, and dry shake for at least 30 seconds. Add bitters and syrup, along with some cracked ice, and give a hard shake. Strain over a few large cubes in a high ball glass. Imbibulate with a straw.
This one may seem weird at first, but it stays weird, once you start drinking it. Actually, it’s a fantastic drink. It’s fragrant, sour and sweet. I had something like this at TVH, but I think that one had whiskey in it. This one is pretty much from the Rogue Cocktails book, though I changed out the lime juice for lemon. It’s a great hangover drink also, fwiw.
Since we’re working with tequila and grenadine already, I figgered I’d throw out one of the old standbys… The Tequila Sunrise. You may have a preconceived notion of the TS. It’s the type of drink that makes it onto the cocktail menu at a restaurant six blocks away from the beach. You know, not a restaurant on the beach… they’ll have your blended nasty crap, like Pina Coladas and frozen Margaritas. And buckets of Corona. After all, they’re on the beach! They can serve crap and get away with it. But the place say, a half a mile away, that wants to be sorta tropical, but needs to serve something a little classier… they’re gonna turn to the Tequila Sunrise. But really, it’s not that good. And the people who work there know it. And they’re sad about it, but not really sad. Because they don’t really care about you. You’re just a tourist. And they’re gonna use some crappy mix, and some shitty tequila, and they’re gonna smile and serve it to you… but you know they’re dead inside. And so do they.
4 oz. Fresh Squeezed Orange Juice
2 oz. Tequila
1 oz. Grenadine
Add a few large ice cubes to a high ball glass. Pour over the orange juice and tequila. Pour in the grenadine down the side of the glass, so it rests on the bottom of the glass. Give it a bit of a stir, and the grenadine will mix with the juice, creating a bit of a “sunrise” effect. I guess.
I was going to call this post “Pink Taco” because the drink is pink, and the tequila, like tacos, is from Mexico. But I felt that would be a little too on the nose. And also, I like to maintain a certain level of class ’round these parts. A very, very low level of class. So I opted for The H is O. If you don’t know what that means, you had better ask someone, as the rappists say.
2 oz. Blanco Tequila
1/2 Juice of Lime
1 tbsp. Grenadine
Combine all ingredients in a shaker with some large cubes of ice. Shake the brojangles out of it, and double strain it into a coupe or rocks glass, or whateves.
This is an old school recipe from the Savoy. It’s not far off from a Margarita, but it’s a bit more exotic and well, prettier. Oh, fuck you.
There are great things, and then there are greater things. And then, there are greaterer things. This, would count as one of those. Greaterer. Or even a greatererer thing, if such a thing was a word. Which it twaint (twisnt?). Anyhangles, Elixir Vegetal is made by the same wiling out French monks who brought you Chartreuse (green and yellow). And while green Chartreuse is 110*, EV comes in at a “ball punchingly intense” 142*. This shit’s essentially like Chartreuse bitters, and that’s the way I use it. To do otherwise would be unthinkably obvuscessant.
Improved Rye Cocktail
3 oz. Thomas Handy Sazerac Rye
1 tsp. demerara sugar
a few dash Elixir Vegetal
dash Ango bitts
Combine all ingreeds in a mixing glass. Stir until the sugar is dissolved. Fill the glass with large chunks of ice and stir for a hot bit. After say, a minute, give it a taste. Just a nip. Should be a little spicy still. Throw that biscuit in the freezer… glass and all. Allow it to chill – literally and metaphysically. After about five minutes, strain into a glass, spray some lemon oil over top, and delight in what may be your deserved downfall.
Sweet bastard, this one is great. I mean it, hold on to yer ballsacks, they’re about to get blown off. Blown the fuck off, brojangles. I had this – or at least something similar – at Bar DeVille in Chicago a few months back. It’s a solid spot. Good cocktails, hip crowd… not stuffy, not fancy, just good drinks. So, I’m gonna call this one the Tokyo Jim, just for fun. Deal with that, for a change.
3 oz. Cognac (or good quality Brandy)
1.5 oz. Sweet Vermouth (I used CA)
.5 oz. Maraschino
A few dash Ango
Stir, serve up, spray some lemon oil over it… if you’ve got the ballsacks for it (that’s they refer to in showbiz as a comedic throwback.)
Ever wake up to see 10 inches of snow on your George Foreman electric grill and say to yourself ,”what in the fuck am I doing with my life?” And then you’re like, “I think I’m just gonna stay home, get drunk and play some Batman.” And then your wife is like, “Hon, let’s go to the gym!” And then you’re like, “No, but I am gonna make Tom & Jerrys and play some god damned Batman.” And then she’s like “you need help?” Sure you have.
Tom & Jerry (For a party of one – six)
1/2 c. Sugar
Bottle Dark Rum
Bottle Brandy or Cognac
Preparing “The Dope”
(up to a day in advance, follow in order)
Separate the whites from the yolks in two different bowls. Add sugar and 2 oz. Brandy to yolks. Whisk whites until frothy. Whisk yolk mixture until sugar is dissolved. Fold yolk mixture into whites mixture.
Preparing a Mug
Fill a mug with hot water, and allow it to sit for a moment. Discard water and immediately add 1.5 0z. brandy and 1.5 oz. rum, along with 3 0z. dope mixture. Stir constantly to avoid curdling. Top off mug with hot milk, and grate a bit of nutmeg over top.
This is a long one, but well worth. It’s not hard to make, but takes a bit of faith and patience. Don’t be grossed out because you are essentially drinking a few ounces of raw egg – put that out of your head, at least until you take the first sip. You see, this is Egg Nog, as it was meant to be.
I said I was gonna try it again, didn’t I. Fuck yes I did. So I grabbed on some Kraken, which is a pretty dang sweet-assed dark rum, and only about $20 here in MI, and I was like, “jeez, what in the dick should I make?” And then, I remembered a promise I made to you, loyal reader, and was like, heck yes it’s time! Sweet bastard. Sweet f-ing bastard. Sweet, sweet, fucking sally boy.
Planter’s Punch (Trader Vic’s recipe, as published in his 1947 book, The Bartender’s Guide)
* 3 ounces dark rum
* 1 ounce lime juice
* 1/2 ounce lemon juice
* 1/2 ounce grenadine
* 1/4 teaspoon superfine sugar
Combine all ingredients in a shaker, give a good dry shake, serve over ice. Garnish, if you’re “like that.”
Umm, it’s strong. So that’s pretty cool. I used home made grenadine, but you can fend for yourself on that one. It’s along the lines of a Ramos Gin Fizz, in terms of drinkability, meaning it goes down quick but has some balls. Anyhoo. Apre moi, deluge.
Also, I was going to call this post the Kraken Myass, but decided to be more classier.
What’s that ole saying… “Strange bedfellows make great neighbors?” Well, in this case, it was never more truer… As many of you know, I’ve been smashing the heck out of Negroni’s lately, because I just recently found out I can get Carpano Antica in MI (rejoice). But, I ran out of gin the other morning, and was like, FMA, let’s go for it dude, let’s just P the fucking T. And so I did. And so it went. And jebus said to the angels, “let’s get crunk, my freaks.” And they did. And it was good. Friggin’ real good.
FMA Cocktail (tentative title)
2 oz. Bourbon
1 oz. Campari
1 oz. Carpano Antica
Build over a large chunk of ice, garnish with a large peel of lemon and orange.
Okay, let’s talk bourbon for a minute. Since there’s only 2 oz. in there, I like it strong. I was rocking the 107 Old Weller, but a 101 Wild Turkey or even a 101 Grandad would be suitable. Campari, duh. But Carpano – and don’t fuck me on this one – is important. If you wanted to use Punt E Mes, that would be okay, and if you had to use Vya, I could live with it… I mean, I wouldn’t be stoked about it, but I’d forgive and forget. Just don’t use Cinzano, or any crappy vermouth in this. Or in general. As a matter of fact, I forbid you from drinking cheap vermouth. Deal with that – it just happened. No go forth, and crunkify.